Thursday, September 20, 2012

INFJ Pt. 1

I recently discovered that my personality type according to the MBIT is INFJ. Therefore, my dominating functions are Introverted Intuition Feeling and Judging. Learning about these functions has answered so many mysteries about myself that previously had been viewed as faults in my own eyes. 

I have always been somewhat of a nomad in my life. Consistent in the ever changing staples of my existence  including jobs, friends and boyfriends. As I became older and more mature...enabled to see the outer world with a better understanding... as opposed to a self-centered indulgent reality spun from an adolescence filled with instability and doubt, I saw the dire need to ground myself. I imagine myself floating about my early twenties like a balloon. I needed to find a string and tie that string firmly from my end, to a reliable source. 

This need to find someone to be secured to resulted in a somewhat desperate attempt to find my Mr. Right. (How I allowed myself to be someone's Ms. Right is another chapter) I *knew*...ahem intuitively, that Mr. Right was out there. Hiding in the haystack, I knew he was there. I started right from the get-go weeding out potentials. Some I got to know and love and to this day keep them in my heart with the utmost respect. Others taught me about the disappointment involved in letting certain people get to know the real me. The "real" me is hidden deep inside, covered by so many layers, that even long time friends are unaware of their existence. I would seek out bits and pieces that could hold those relationships together like a makeshift duct tape just long enough to show myself that these people are too toxic to endure. To sum it up, I've experienced  life with 15 very unique boyfriends until meeting my Mr. Right.  This specifically, is why I felt such a relief when I learned that INFJ's strive for the "ultimate relationship", which can be unfair to myself as well as the occasional beautiful soul that just didn't fit in with my extremely rare view of the world, my own personal world, and how it needs to exist. 

As ever-changing as these romantic interests were in my earlier years, they were and still are more meaningful than even some of my longest friendships. I got to know these boys/men for who they truly are. Being an INFJ, I am the creepiest of people watchers. If you're in front of me in line, I've already got your life-story written out in my mind. Being such an addict of knowing (or even assuming to know) others, I became a fiend of getting close to them in a sincere way. I got to quietly learn the ins and outs and ups and downs of these people. It was never boring, even when it was predictable. Like an ongoing lesson that I eagerly absorbed. I honestly would not change this part of who I am. I want to experience your soul. 

Sadly, I do not relate as well to the majority of our society. I do not approve of superficiality. It actually makes me want to barf all over it. I can tell right of the bat if someone I am meeting is genuine. If you are, you can move along to the next checkpoint. However, if you appear to be dishonest in all senses of the word, I cross my fingers that our interactions be few and far between. If we must make words come out of our mouths to each other for societal purposes, I am already aware that I will not be your favorite person. I'll probably rub you all kinds of wrong ways because you will know, that I know....

As INFJ's it is hard to relate to other personalities, due to the fact that ours is extremely rare. When it is hard to relate to the majority and vice/versa, it is quite easy to get hurt by others and their actions/beliefs/opinions. I know personally, if you hurt me emotionally more than once, you will be out of my life to the best of my ability. This  most specifically is what other's have a hard time understanding about my personality. This is my defense mechanism and I embrace it. Others have their own systems in place, mine is just a little more extreme. In the words of Mike Ehrmantraut, "No Half Measures." :)  No one understands the deepness of my soul, the devastation mine can reach, and the crucial protection I must have over it. Well, except other INFJ's. 

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

3.14.12. NOT

I read a quote yesterday that hit very close to my heart. "Life isn't about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself". Sometimes I find myself getting too sidetracked by what could/should/would have been. Growing older is nothing short of amazing to me and my curious mind is dissecting the process daily and breaking down the actions and emotions that accompany the adventure. One of the worst things I do is look at my past and compare it to my present. I look back and see the major changes that have taken place in my short-lived adult life. I have been all over the place! I would never change that. What I would change, is this point of view I have obtained along the way. For the majority of my life, I have been unable to stay in one place (physically and mentally). I believe this trait comes from my DNA as moving around has been inherent in my mother's entire life and I somehow got the second hand smoke effect from that. As sort of a mandatory self preservation attempt... once I found a place of my own (the great town of weirdness) I planted my hungry roots firmly in the soil and let them grow. I fear now that my roots have become too attached to the ground and any small shift makes them tremble. I look back at the person I used to be and see these changes like night and day and no matter how much I try to understand exactly where and why these changes took place: (I am comparing this in my head right now to when Lola, a quite intelligent yet neurotic border collie, sniffs around obsessively trying to trace the path of her ball). So, when I catch myself doing this sort of uber-analyzing I must remind myself that there were no "wrong" turns. Growing older is still unfamiliar to me. I have made the changes I wanted to in order to get me started.  I have got not just one, but two feet out the door and I have planned the trip to the best of my ability. I know I shouldn't be afraid of growing up. With all the crazy shit that is behind me, I know I can handle the future...especially since I am thinking with a 26 year old brain. So, summary...I am never going to "find" myself because I am not lost, I have never been lost. I have been creating myself. I am exactly where I need to be.

Friday, October 28, 2011

End Chapter.

I keep trying to write how I'm feeling, to have it something tangible. Something I could wrap my head around and have it exist concretely. This feeling is simply that, a feeling. I, ladies and gentlemen am for a lack of a better descriptive word, HAPPY. Not just the sporadic good mood that I used to rejoice over with an understanding that it would dissipate as quickly as it arrived. This is a wake up every morning happy and positive, go to sleep every night smiling, I can do anything kind of happy. I can't say for sure if this is by my own doing (and if so then way to go...way to goooo) or if fate has graced me with a much needed break from the exhausting whirlpool of ups and downs I had become accustomed to. I suppose it was a few years ago when my attitude dramatically shifted from uber confident and self assured to a more cautious, fearful, "it's me against the world now" attitude, a lingering shadow over my former self. Eventually it became easier to just find comfort in the shadow rather than to keep fighting to get back to where I used to be. 

Yes, I do speak freely and sometimes others do not understand how I can be so open about the struggles I have with myself and this adventure..AHEM I've decided to stop calling it a journey because I do not intend to focus on where I am going now but the fun I shall have on the way...Bah dum dum (tha'ts a drum btw)...back to the point: Sharing what I'm going through has become a way for me to get it out of my head. Talking about the dark times, is not as easy though, because I hate to remind myself that I at one point was not as strong as I know I can be. It's like re-telling the story of when I tripped over the hurdle in my 8th grade track meet. Not my finest hour, but an important piece of what makes me who I am. So, I acknowledge the proverbial hurdle that took me down and I also admit, it took me too long to get back up. My mom always always would tell me "this too shall pass". By golly she was right. As Dexter would put it, I suppose I've lost my "dark passenger". Feeling legitimately happy again is like getting a new pair of shoes, (FYI, these shoes would be Christian Louboutin's) I haven't wore them in quite yet, but I can already see how much I'm going to appreciate them. The tangibility of this feeling I guess comes in the manifestation. To transcend the grips of darkness and walk away with only a few scratches, to walk with my head up knowing I beat that darkness like I was Scorpion from Mortal Kombat...Hey you stupid piece of shit....COME HERE! .....and then I finished him.

Monday, October 3, 2011

We'll see...

Breathe. Today is the only concern you shall have. Yesterday is spent, and it only can exist as a memory. Tomorrow is just a thought, a promise it is not. Smile at a stranger. Kiss like it's your first. Speak as if you may never get another chance. I may not be able to change every element of this existence to bend and fit what I have planned. Fate is going to have the last say. So, all I can do is enjoy these moments, revel in the good, accept the bad for what it is, and understand that without the bad moments, a sweet kiss is just a fleeting exchange. With understanding of the potential malevolence of this life, that kiss is comparable to your first breath.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Hey, Um where's that corner piece?

Don't you settle here because you're tired, you still have legs to walk.
Don't you settle here when the light is dim, the sunrise is not too far.

A relationship is like a puzzle. As often as that analogy has been used, time after time (Cyndi Lauper 4 Life), yes...time after time it holds up in court. Let me break the fuck down this analogy. You have a puzzle, you have two people that very much would like to complete this puzzle. You see the picture on the box and it looks glorious. 1000 piece puzzle....meh....we got this shit. So you two commit to completing the puzzle as a team. Easier said than done. You may get one piece here and there, trust me when I say never ever will you get all the pieces at once. It's going to take time to earn the pieces, and hard work to fit them appropriately as you go. Maybe you get the upper corner a bit completed, maybe its a cute little kitten wearing a bonnet. Don't you dare get too excited though. You still have a long way to go kiddo. Even if you build the outer frame, which is always the best way to start, that's just the beginning of your jigsaw puzzle. Chances are, one of you will lose interest in the puzzle leaving the other to do the brunt of the work. Then you start to resent that darling feline and it's stupid hat. 

Take your time to scout out the right person to commit to a puzzle with. The experience could be so much different and quite enjoyable. If it starts to feel like a task, you may wan't to reconsider your purchase. 

If you one day find yourself with a puzzle where all of your pieces have fallen into place, frame that shit. And by frame that shit I mean...Here we go Beyonce: "If you like it then you should'a put a ring on it :) All my single ladies...Allll my single ladies."

Monday, August 1, 2011

Clarity Danes & Leo De-Clusterfucked star in: No-more-hoes & Jameson.

So, on this month, I shall be turning 26 years old. Twenty-Six! I feel like this past year has brought me the most changes since I moved to Austin almost 8 years ago. I finally feel like I'm making decisions with my future in mind and slowly but surely, I am turning into the woman I knew I always had in me...somewhere deep down...buried in all the drama and booze I had embraced for years on top of years. One of the biggest changes/blessings in disguise was the removal of certain people from my daily routine. The phrase "you are what you surround yourself with" absolutely applies. Friendship is most certainly about quality and not quantity. I will gladly take my handful of gems over a bar-full of randoms. Don't take it the wrong way, I can appreciate a nice exchange of banter and shooting the shit on occasion but when you fall under the belief that those people define you, strictly because you see them more than others...your p.o.v on friendships can become severely skewed. So in my new found motivation to better myself, (BTW motivation....where the eff did you disappear to for so long? I like to think you suddenly found yourself on the LOST island, escaping smoke monsters, drooling over Sawyer and time traveling. ) Now that you are back, I'm going to take you and run. Someone recently told me that I have no idea of my own potential. To have someone that I admire very much tell me that was like having my stubborn eyes pried open. I think for a while, it was easier to survive  the overbearing amount of criticism I place upon myself by painting a red sign on my forehead screaming, "I just refuse to give a fuck." I didn't want to care about my job, my failing friendships, my health, or the image I portrayed to others. I had spent so much of my earlier life trying to be the one who never ruffles any feathers, never colors out of the lines, always deserving of approval and praise but never satisfied because it was always to please someone else. My rebellion came a little later than others, and seemed to last for a good chunk of my early-adulthood. Unfortunately my potential is at a disadvantage due to the fact that the cocktail that is my life: consisting mostly of stubbornness and bad luck, has left me with no legit education. It gets very annoying to hear over and over how "you can do it, a lot of people work full time and go to school..." Well, blame it on that son of a bitch trait called stubbornness if you must, but I chalk that one up to the straight up need to enjoy my life. I can and will give up these vices that have overstayed their welcome, but I won't be so busy working on my future that I FORGET to enjoy the now. Baby steps here. Let me first clear my life's closet of the last bit of clutter my ca-ca hoarding brain  has acquired over these years of shots shots shots shots shots shots, clear my lungs of the cancerous potential that resonates within, and clear my soul of any lingering bitterness towards the events that have left me in the state I am. In this case, what goes down MUST come up. So life...go ahead and vomit me up a new beginning  for this 26th year of my life and I shall frolic and play the Eskimo way....or uh.... the way that is not where I came from.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Like riding a bike...

I am a strong woman. I have taken more than my fair share of shit and still I try to rise above and stay positive. I am very familiar with the phrase "it could always be worse". In a time of sorrow, it is crucial to stay aware of the blessings in your life. This too shall pass. Life is supposedly 10% what happens to you and 90% of how you deal with it. That leaves me pretty responsible for my own outcome doesn't it. So sulking is over for the most part...I'm sure it will creep up on me at the most inopportune moment again....but in the meantime I take the first step out of the shit pile that so unexpectedly graced me with it's presence. I assume the shit-stain will take a couple washes to completely come out, as they always do. One blessing that I must address as a lifesaver indeed is the friendships I have acquired over the years. I am quite lucky to know such beautiful people. I have said so many times when I get frustrated that I am tired of trying. Trying to get to where I want to be in all aspects. I keep my head up and I push through the shitty times only to find another one waiting impatiently to pounce on me and my sunny day.  With enough hatred to move mountains, I approach each problem with my figurative fists clinched and always walk away to fight another day. I am jaded from all the "self-fights" I have been subjected to. I feel like a damn boxer with a cauliflower ear of life. So, it is time...time for a change. This lazy, loser, stoner is making moves :) Open-minded and driven by repetitive dissapointment, me, bitchcat and dumbdog are moving on up. I am better than this and it's time I prove it.
The weed can come too.