End Chapter.

I keep trying to write how I'm feeling, to have it down...as something tangible. Something I could wrap my head around and have it exist concretely. This feeling is simply that, a feeling. I, ladies and gentlemen am for a lack of a better descriptive word, HAPPY. Not just the sporadic good mood that I used to rejoice over with an understanding that it would dissipate as quickly as it arrived. This is a wake up every morning happy and positive, go to sleep every night smiling, I can do anything kind of happy. I can't say for sure if this is by my own doing (and if so then way to go...way to goooo) or if fate has graced me with a much needed break from the exhausting whirlpool of ups and downs I had become accustomed to. I suppose it was a few years ago when my attitude dramatically shifted from uber confident and self assured to a more cautious, fearful, "it's me against the world now" attitude, a lingering shadow over my former self. Eventually it became easier to just find comfort in the shadow rather than to keep fighting to get back to where I used to be. 

Yes, I do speak freely and sometimes others do not understand how I can be so open about the struggles I have with myself and this adventure..AHEM I've decided to stop calling it a journey because I do not intend to focus on where I am going now but the fun I shall have on the way...Bah dum dum (tha'ts a drum btw)...back to the point: Sharing what I'm going through has become a way for me to get it out of my head. Talking about the dark times, is not as easy though, because I hate to remind myself that I at one point was not as strong as I know I can be. It's like re-telling the story of when I tripped over the hurdle in my 8th grade track meet. Not my finest hour, but an important piece of what makes me who I am. So, I acknowledge the proverbial hurdle that took me down and I also admit, it took me too long to get back up. My mom always always would tell me "this too shall pass". By golly she was right. As Dexter would put it, I suppose I've lost my "dark passenger". Feeling legitimately happy again is like getting a new pair of shoes, (FYI, these shoes would be Christian Louboutin's) I haven't wore them in quite yet, but I can already see how much I'm going to appreciate them. The tangibility of this feeling I guess comes in the manifestation. To transcend the grips of darkness and walk away with only a few scratches, to walk with my head up knowing I beat that darkness like I was Scorpion from Mortal Kombat...Hey you stupid piece of shit....COME HERE! .....and then I finished him.

We'll see...

Breathe. Today is the only concern you shall have. Yesterday is spent, and it only can exist as a memory. Tomorrow is just a thought, a promise it is not. Smile at a stranger. Kiss like it's your first. Speak as if you may never get another chance. I may not be able to change every element of this existence to bend and fit what I have planned. Fate is going to have the last say. So, all I can do is enjoy these moments, revel in the good, accept the bad for what it is, and understand that without the bad moments, a sweet kiss is just a fleeting exchange. With understanding of the potential malevolence of this life, that kiss is comparable to your first breath.

Hey, Um where's that corner piece?

Don't you settle here because you're tired, you still have legs to walk.
Don't you settle here when the light is dim, the sunrise is not too far.


A relationship is like a puzzle. As often as that analogy has been used, time after time (Cyndi Lauper 4 Life), yes...time after time it holds up in court. Let me break the fuck down this analogy. You have a puzzle, you have two people that very much would like to complete this puzzle. You see the picture on the box and it looks glorious. 1000 piece puzzle....meh....we got this shit. So you two commit to completing the puzzle as a team. Easier said than done. You may get one piece here and there, trust me when I say never ever will you get all the pieces at once. It's going to take time to earn the pieces, and hard work to fit them appropriately as you go. Maybe you get the upper corner a bit completed, maybe its a cute little kitten wearing a bonnet. Don't you dare get too excited though. You still have a long way to go kiddo. Even if you build the outer frame, which is always the best way to start, that's just the beginning of your jigsaw puzzle. Chances are, one of you will lose interest in the puzzle leaving the other to do the brunt of the work. Then you start to resent that darling feline and it's stupid hat. 


Take your time to scout out the right person to commit to a puzzle with. The experience could be so much different and quite enjoyable. If it starts to feel like a task, you may wan't to reconsider your purchase. 




If you one day find yourself with a puzzle where all of your pieces have fallen into place, frame that shit. And by frame that shit I mean...Here we go Beyonce: "If you like it then you should'a put a ring on it :) All my single ladies...Allll my single ladies."

Clarity Danes & Leo De-Clusterfucked star in: No-more-hoes & Jameson.

So, on this month, I shall be turning 26 years old. Twenty-Six! I feel like this past year has brought me the most changes since I moved to Austin almost 8 years ago. I finally feel like I'm making decisions with my future in mind and slowly but surely, I am turning into the woman I knew I always had in me...somewhere deep down...buried in all the drama and booze I had embraced for years on top of years. One of the biggest changes/blessings in disguise was the removal of certain people from my daily routine. The phrase "you are what you surround yourself with" absolutely applies. Friendship is most certainly about quality and not quantity. I will gladly take my handful of gems over a bar-full of randoms. Don't take it the wrong way, I can appreciate a nice exchange of banter and shooting the shit on occasion but when you fall under the belief that those people define you, strictly because you see them more than others...your p.o.v on friendships can become severely skewed. So in my new found motivation to better myself, (BTW motivation....where the eff did you disappear to for so long? I like to think you suddenly found yourself on the LOST island, escaping smoke monsters, drooling over Sawyer and time traveling. ) Now that you are back, I'm going to take you and run. Someone recently told me that I have no idea of my own potential. To have someone that I admire very much tell me that was like having my stubborn eyes pried open. I think for a while, it was easier to survive  the overbearing amount of criticism I place upon myself by painting a red sign on my forehead screaming, "I just refuse to give a fuck." I didn't want to care about my job, my failing friendships, my health, or the image I portrayed to others. I had spent so much of my earlier life trying to be the one who never ruffles any feathers, never colors out of the lines, always deserving of approval and praise but never satisfied because it was always to please someone else. My rebellion came a little later than others, and seemed to last for a good chunk of my early-adulthood. Unfortunately my potential is at a disadvantage due to the fact that the cocktail that is my life: consisting mostly of stubbornness and bad luck, has left me with no legit education. It gets very annoying to hear over and over how "you can do it, a lot of people work full time and go to school..." Well, blame it on that son of a bitch trait called stubbornness if you must, but I chalk that one up to the straight up need to enjoy my life. I can and will give up these vices that have overstayed their welcome, but I won't be so busy working on my future that I FORGET to enjoy the now. Baby steps here. Let me first clear my life's closet of the last bit of clutter my ca-ca hoarding brain  has acquired over these years of shots shots shots shots shots shots, clear my lungs of the cancerous potential that resonates within, and clear my soul of any lingering bitterness towards the events that have left me in the state I am. In this case, what goes down MUST come up. So life...go ahead and vomit me up a new beginning  for this 26th year of my life and I shall frolic and play the Eskimo way....or uh.... the way that is not where I came from.

Like riding a bike...

I am a strong woman. I have taken more than my fair share of shit and still I try to rise above and stay positive. I am very familiar with the phrase "it could always be worse". In a time of sorrow, it is crucial to stay aware of the blessings in your life. This too shall pass. Life is supposedly 10% what happens to you and 90% of how you deal with it. That leaves me pretty responsible for my own outcome doesn't it. So sulking is over for the most part...I'm sure it will creep up on me at the most inopportune moment again....but in the meantime I take the first step out of the shit pile that so unexpectedly graced me with it's presence. I assume the shit-stain will take a couple washes to completely come out, as they always do. One blessing that I must address as a lifesaver indeed is the friendships I have acquired over the years. I am quite lucky to know such beautiful people. I have said so many times when I get frustrated that I am tired of trying. Trying to get to where I want to be in all aspects. I keep my head up and I push through the shitty times only to find another one waiting impatiently to pounce on me and my sunny day.  With enough hatred to move mountains, I approach each problem with my figurative fists clinched and always walk away to fight another day. I am jaded from all the "self-fights" I have been subjected to. I feel like a damn boxer with a cauliflower ear of life. So, it is time...time for a change. This lazy, loser, stoner is making moves :) Open-minded and driven by repetitive dissapointment, me, bitchcat and dumbdog are moving on up. I am better than this and it's time I prove it.
The weed can come too.

Analogically so, I am a slimy amphibian.

When does a tadpole realize that it is no longer such. Is it instant? Does this transformation even register or does it take trial and error? One day, does the caterpillar pass by a window and say (and I hope in a British accent) "Oh Holy FUCK, I do believe I'm a butterfly." 


Personal growth has always been a front-runner in the steady race of my life values. This year even more so than the already overwhelming recent few. One of my biggest issues that I have carried with me, stems from my insecurity and the accompanying fear of instability. When I push pause on the repetitive worry soundtrack in my mind, I can take a step back from my nagging uptight norm and say "Oh Holy Fuck, I do believe I'm doing great." It has become a second nature for me to continuously strive for the right plan, the "way it should" be. I'm not sure if this characteristic was acquired through some self-preservation attempt or what really, I just know that it was borderline detrimental to my well being. Movies, fairy-tales, love songs, mother fucking Aesop's Fables, and most importantly true stories from a long time ago that are no longer applicable in today's new world, all of these contributed to my idealistic views that have painstakingly been a full-time back seat driver in my attempt to make them my reality. One of the most important things I could ever tell myself, given the chance to teleport back in time, would be: that it is much more fun, enlightening, and effective to take your own path. Now that gem of advice is not applicable to everyone. Some people need definitive structure ie: a pre-determined well groomed pathway for them to mindlessly travel upon. Those people are blissfully ignorant and I can't say that I wouldn't mind walking in their shoes for a day. Unfortunately I am not wired that simply and the mysterious make-up of my restless brain will not allow me such pleasures. In awareness of the fact that I am my own person, and that I must own being  that person, I find comfort. I am this. Regardless of whether that tadpole went on for years wondering why he felt so different than he remembers, the reality is: the day he realized that he was a fucking frog, was brilliant. Jump Jump you fabulous frog! 
Make up for all those jumps you never knew were possible :)

Best Friend Birthday Love. Princess Kara Kirkley de la Round Rock.

 Kara Kirkley: Sing to the tune of this song please. Lyrics by Micki and Hyde.

Big fat beers and Jameson, I do love to have some fun. But not as much as I love you.
Miller Lites & Frito Pie, you're the apple of my eye. Girl I've never met someone like you.
Man OH Man, you're my best friend, though we fight from randomness.
There are a few things that I need. 
Kara-isms, Kara-eyes, Boomer Sooner & my Hyde.
Ain't nothin' beats life with you. 
Oh friends, we're best friiiiiends. I <3 my friend life with YOU!

They told me I could be anything. Well, I finally picked something: Happy.

Sometimes it fits. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you're right.

I went all Stockholm syndrome on the fence that was holding me in. 

I took comfort in the level of happiness I had acquired. I constantly had the self-learned proven fact that it can always get worse. My joy was a visitor with no known departure date, and had found company in my world of contentment. By an unknown grace, I stopped being a fuck-tard in the general life sense. I may not have become everything I had dreamed of as a ambitious child, but one thing I can appreciate everyday is my ability to learn and grow from my adventures down this untraveled path that I have found myself committed to. Although this happiness can be, (and rightfully so) altered by the existence of fickle fate, I must attempt to live my life from this point on without that pesky parasite that is negativity. So many years spent carrying the heavy burden of believing the voice in the back of my mind telling me that I was as tarnished as the harsh events of my life had the right to make me. Within maturity you indeed acquire a sophistication when it comes empathic views of human nature. Hooray for that! Can I getta Amen, actually keep that Amen. Can I getta what what to all of these haters that are Negative Nancy's bringing us all down subconsciously! All you gotta do here is step outside of your annoying little box before ever attempting step 2. Put a little faith in yourself and watch as it grows. Now live your life for all it could be! Don't take that as a push to excel at the typical ideal that has been shoved down your throat. If you want to have 5 cats and watch wedding shows all day, but are able to go to sleep, satisfied in your self-approval rating, (yes I know I have run-on sentences, its how I roll, and frankly I always considered it THE bitchiest rule in grammar.) then knock your socks of with those cats and sweatpants. Here's where this is going: Happiness should not come from a place of settling for "not bad" and will never come if you are leading your life to satisfy everyone else. That's not even real happiness. It's like Diet Coke. Happiness will prevail when you are true to yourself. It sure can be a son of a bitch waiting to get to that point though. P.S. having a dog helps!

I've got bitter bananas on my plate today
I've got bitten bananas all in my way.
It's not fair it seems, It's not fair to me
To have bitter bananas growing on my trees.

Light, Carb, Action.

I can't take you back and forth. Happy warm and gracious day turns to gloom without warning. How dare you trespass on my much appreciated moment of contentment. Tears collect and retreat painfully. You are not welcomed. My heart fills up with hurt and sorrow, gradually dissipating until tomorrow. Until a thought creeps back inside, consumed by guilt, i cannot hide. By my own hand, I'm left here feeling empty. Only temporarily. A new moment comes and my mood has shifted, a smile returns, my spirits lifted. Every day I'm thankful for the blessings bestowed in this world. Every day I tend to forget what makes me smile among the shit. The shit takes over like clockwork. Never failing to bring me down. If only I could run away to the rabbit hole.

She teeters over the edge of her realm, anticipating the fall down.
Stepping down without a second thought.
Take me down.
Take me quick.
The warm embrace of another place.
If I must return at the end of this, I'll meet you again with a backwards kiss.

Venting and Lamenting.

Call me synical, call me old-school...I'm just sayin', I believe our world is due for a wipe-out soon. Why? Oh let me tell you....

1.) Dumb kids. 
Internet, iPhones, and 3D Justin Bieber reign at the top of my list. Have you noticed the disappearance of proper grammer? WTF OMG LOL lyke wut's tha problum wit lernin how 2 rite? I suppose it's fine because everything is typed now and we have auto-correct so even if you have the spelling aptitude of a first grader, all will be ok. Recently, a kid's ability to think for themselves was put to the test when they were asked to do a report on a fucking "endangered tree octopus". When directed to a bogus site with bogus facts on the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus, the 7th graders attempted to learn away. Ug. Really society? Really?


2.) Look to your right, now look to your left....chances are one of the people standing next to you, IS A PUSSY. Yep. A big soft vagina. Instead of giving your little shit a good kick in the ass when he repeatedly tells you NO, you want to go get written consent to medicate that ball of energy into a submissive, boring drone with the personality of a docile caterpillar. Eff that. When did we adapt this mentality that metro-sexual is the norm, little kids shouldn't fight, and puppies should wear designer sweaters so they don't catch cold? Aaaaarrrrrg. First of all, I believe men should spit and know how to clean a fish. Kids should get their ass kicked and in turn learn how to kick ass. Puppies survived without Gucci and Prada before and they shall continue to do so present day. America has surely demonstrated its cataclysmic destiny of turning into one big sinkhole of vaginal sorts. 


Maybe it's the recent blackouts, riots in Egypt, dead fish and birds popping up like herpes on a hooker...or just my common sense tapping the back of my head every time I hear Ke$ha lyrics. The point here is: I'm thinking the powers that be have had it up to the proverbial "here" and if they decided to start over in a world without the McDonald's dollar menu and Charlie Sheen, I would say..."That's cool, I don't blame you." 


And that's my Cynical Sally point of view for the day.