Friday, October 28, 2011

End Chapter.

I keep trying to write how I'm feeling, to have it down...as something tangible. Something I could wrap my head around and have it exist concretely. This feeling is simply that, a feeling. I, ladies and gentlemen am for a lack of a better descriptive word, HAPPY. Not just the sporadic good mood that I used to rejoice over with an understanding that it would dissipate as quickly as it arrived. This is a wake up every morning happy and positive, go to sleep every night smiling, I can do anything kind of happy. I can't say for sure if this is by my own doing (and if so then way to go...way to goooo) or if fate has graced me with a much needed break from the exhausting whirlpool of ups and downs I had become accustomed to. I suppose it was a few years ago when my attitude dramatically shifted from uber confident and self assured to a more cautious, fearful, "it's me against the world now" attitude, a lingering shadow over my former self. Eventually it became easier to just find comfort in the shadow rather than to keep fighting to get back to where I used to be. 

Yes, I do speak freely and sometimes others do not understand how I can be so open about the struggles I have with myself and this adventure..AHEM I've decided to stop calling it a journey because I do not intend to focus on where I am going now but the fun I shall have on the way...Bah dum dum (tha'ts a drum btw)...back to the point: Sharing what I'm going through has become a way for me to get it out of my head. Talking about the dark times, is not as easy though, because I hate to remind myself that I at one point was not as strong as I know I can be. It's like re-telling the story of when I tripped over the hurdle in my 8th grade track meet. Not my finest hour, but an important piece of what makes me who I am. So, I acknowledge the proverbial hurdle that took me down and I also admit, it took me too long to get back up. My mom always always would tell me "this too shall pass". By golly she was right. As Dexter would put it, I suppose I've lost my "dark passenger". Feeling legitimately happy again is like getting a new pair of shoes, (FYI, these shoes would be Christian Louboutin's) I haven't wore them in quite yet, but I can already see how much I'm going to appreciate them. The tangibility of this feeling I guess comes in the manifestation. To transcend the grips of darkness and walk away with only a few scratches, to walk with my head up knowing I beat that darkness like I was Scorpion from Mortal Kombat...Hey you stupid piece of shit....COME HERE! .....and then I finished him.

Monday, October 3, 2011

We'll see...

Breathe. Today is the only concern you shall have. Yesterday is spent, and it only can exist as a memory. Tomorrow is just a thought, a promise it is not. Smile at a stranger. Kiss like it's your first. Speak as if you may never get another chance. I may not be able to change every element of this existence to bend and fit what I have planned. Fate is going to have the last say. So, all I can do is enjoy these moments, revel in the good, accept the bad for what it is, and understand that without the bad moments, a sweet kiss is just a fleeting exchange. With understanding of the potential malevolence of this life, that kiss is comparable to your first breath.